If there's anything I've learnt in the last few months, it's that life is like the sea. Its ripples are ever changing; sometimes it is calm, beautiful even, and it feels as though I'm in control. I can happily sail along the tide, the breeze in my hair and the sun on my back, without a worry of what tomorrow might bring.
You never think how dangerous this state of mind can be. I didn't, anyway. You can be so happy in your perfect bubble until, in a fraction of a second, the weather flips and a wave pushes you overboard. Snap. Just like that. It crushes your unsuspecting body beneath its brute force, pulling you deeper and deeper into the swallowing darkness below. You try desperately to breathe a last breath, but it won't even let you have that. You can feel your lungs expanding within you, pressing against your ribs and begging for just one more drop of oxygen. Except, you're in too deep now. You let your guard down, and this is what happens. This is your punishment. Before I go on, I want to say I have a lot of things to be happy about. I know that. I'm doing well in University; better than I expected, even. I have a loving mother who always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, and I have Louis. He's always here for me whenever I need him, and his hugs mean more than anything in this world. This week, I start a new module and will hopefully make some new friends. I started a private journal, which not only helps me process my thoughts and emotions, but it is incredibly cathartic as well. I often feel much calmer after writing an entry. So, you see, I have more than a few things to be happy about. Except, even that can't stop the anxiety from taking its toll. Especially when I'm alone in my room. It's been really bad. It's also why I haven't been so active recently. I don't know what triggered it to become like this again, and perhaps that's the most frustrating thing. I stay at home because I'm scared of going out and seeing people's faces and engaging in their conversation. I bring my dinner upstairs to bed because just the thought of seeing my flatmates physically exhausts me. I become ill, because the stress from constantly overthinking and not sleeping or eating finally takes its toll on my immune system. I'm in this horrible loop and I have no way of getting out alone. Except, a lot of the time I am alone. So, you can imagine my struggle. If you haven't gathered, things have changed drastically since my 'Where Have You Been' post. Then, I was optimistic. I was really happy with the cards I'd been dealt with and looked forward to the next day. Now? I'm just lonely. Not all the time, but enough for it to take effect on my day-to-day life. Enough for me to spend more nights than expected at my boyfriend's, because I simply can't stand the idea of being left to my own thoughts again. It's difficult, and so frustrating that I can't even put it to words. I don't want to feel anxious or lonely. I hate it. I know it upsets everyone I love, and I want them to be happy and to not have to worry about me as much as they do. I want more than anything to be normal, to not have to battle through this every day. I mean, I thought your brain was meant to protect you; that it had thousands of strands of nerves specifically designed to save you whenever something goes wrong. I didn't think it would be the wave that drags me down. But, what do you know? Life is unpredictable like that.
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